Morals
by thomas hobbs
Summary: Snape and Malfoy senior try to tell a bed time story to little Draco. I hope it's funny, I think it is.
1. Chapter 4

I don't own Harry Potter.

The bold bits of this fic are stolen from Flight of the Concords', _Alby the racist Dragon_. Try and download it.

There's also a bit from _Black Books. _ Please don't sue me

Morals

"He misses his father, read it too him", hissed Narcissa as she shoved the brightly coloured, much loved children's book into Lucius' hands.

Lucius looked doubtfully at the blond Buddha in the cot. It giggled and blow a snot bubble out of it's nose. "He doesn't even know who I am".

Severus, who was standing behind him, took the book off him and examined it critically. "Why are all the animals wearing clothing?".

"Because that's what animals do in children's books", snapped Narcissa.

"But won't that just confuse him in years to come. He won't know to run away from lions when he thinks that all they do all day is have lemonade with ", Severus squinted at the book's cover, "tigers, monkeys, and what appears to be a very small elephant with a balloon".

"Dear God", cried Lucius in mock horror, "It's what an African Safari would be like if you were on acid".

"FINE" snapped Narcissa, snatching the book from Severus "don't read it to him, but your spending time with him, and your telling him a story, something with morals, so his doesn't turn into a selfish, cynical, drug obsessed lunatic".

"But won't that make his 21st rather boring" murmured Lucius.

Narcissa narrowed her eyes dangerously and started fingering her wand. Both men were strongly reminded of her older sister.

" Darling, calm down, of course I'll spend time with him, Severus will spend time with him as well, won't you Severus", said Lucius. Severus held up his hands in a pacifying manner and nodded.

Narcissa snorted and excited, shutting the door firmly behind her.

Both men moved to stand beside the cot. After a while Lucius spoke, "so….something with morals, she said".

"So he doesn't turn out like you", Severus added helpfully.

"Your not any better, remember that time your lips went blue and you started vomiting everywhere….."

"That's probably not what she meant, when she said, " A story with morals" ".

"That story does have a moral though".

"Yes, don't eat interesting mushrooms you buy from dodgy muggles".

"Deep".

"It is self defeating to have two men you feel are amoral teach your son about morals".

"Yes".

"So what's a moral?"

"Are you asking me what a moral is, or for an example of an moral?"

"The last one".

"Ummm…..I don't know……. don't be racist".

"That's not really much of an issue in the wizarding world, we're all more concerned with the blood purity thing".

"Well that means we're likely to be able to teach him to not be racist".

"Good point. So do you know any 'Don't be racist' children's stories?"

"Please, you saw where I grew up, the only kid who got beaten up more than me at primary school was the Albanian".

"Hmmmm….. Do you know _any_ children's stories?"

"No, do you?"

"No"

"Our childhoods' sucked"

"Maybe that's why we're amoral"

"Could be"

"Well I guess you'll just have to make one up".

"You're his father"

"Your meant to be the smart one"

"Flattery will get you everywhere"

"I know"

"How about the story of…… the racist dragon", the last part was directed at the cot, which Severus was leaning over. The little Buddha inside gurgled and tried to grab his hair.

"Aren't we meant to be teaching him not to be racist".

"I'm getting to that……… where was I, Ahh yes…….. **In a marmalade forest, between the make believe trees, in a cottage cheese cottage lived Alby". **

"Alby?"

"**Alby".**

"_Alby?_"

"**Alby the racist dragon... So all the angry villages chased Alby into a very dark, very scary, cave. It was so dark and scary in there that Alby began to cry, dragon tears, which as we all know into jelly beans. Anyway, at that moment he felt a tiny little hand on his tail, and who should it be but the badly burnt Albanian boy from the day before.**

'**What are you doing here, I thought I killed you" cried Alby, quite racistly.**

'**No Alby you did not kill me, however you left me very disfigured and scared', laughed the boy, 'why are you crying?"**

'**I'm crying because all of the villages chased me into this horrible cave' replied Alby, 'I think it's because I'm **_**so**_** racist'. **

'**No Alby, It isn't because of your racism that they chased you here, they chased me here when I became disfigured. They don't like you and I because….. We're different to them'.**

**And suddenly Alby wasn't racist any more.**

**So they sat in the cave".**

"_Cave?!!_"

"**And ate bubblegum pie, Yum! Alby the Racist (well not any more) Dragon".**

"Severus"

"Yes?"

"Promise me, that you'll never, in anyway shape or form, be responsible for the education and guidance of the young and vulnerable".

"It wasn't that bad".

Lucius just shook his head and looked affectionately down at his sleeping son. "He seems to have enjoyed it, You've got a nice voice anyway".

"Thank you".

"Do you think he looks like me?"

"It's hard to tell, do you have any photos of yourself as a child? you could compare"

"No photos"

"Me neither".

"Need a hug?'

"No, do you?"

"No"

"Lucius"

"Hmmmm…"

"Why then, are you hugging me?"


	2. Chapter 5

Morals 2

"But he loves your bed time stories……." whined Narcissa.

"No, he loves the sound of a male voice, he would be disturbed by my bed time stories if he could understand them" said Severus.

He, Narcissa and Lucius were gathered around a cot. The normally peaceful blond Buddha inside was screaming its disproportionately large head off.

"If I pick him up he screams, if I try to feed him he screams, if I talk to him he screams, he doesn't need changing……" said Narcissa hysterically.

"Maybe he just likes screaming" said Lucius.

"FINE, YOU INSENSITIVE BAST…… MAN, YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM" screamed Narcissa, and she swept out of the room. Leaving the two stunned males and the happily screaming baby behind.

"Apparently it runs in the family" said Lucius quietly.

"Well done, Lucius" said Severus.

Lucius bent down and picked up the screaming buddha and started jiggling him. This had no noticeable effect. All though in latter years Lucius would claim that it made him permanently death in one ear.

"Story time little Draco" Lucius cued, looking hopefully up at Severus.

"Your turn" said Severus.

"Ummmmm……. Give me a moral".

"I don't know……… "

"…. Ummm… I Think I have one…. Let me see, would Mr Draco like to hear the story of the **Tiny orphan Timmy with the Tin leg and Tuberculosis**".

Mr Draco seemed unimpressed. Severus raised one of his eyebrows.

"**Timmy was a Tiny orphan with a Tin leg and Tuberculosis who worked at a Tricycle factory. All of the other orphans that worked at the Tricycle factory laughed at Timmy because he was Tiny and had a Tin leg and****……****"**

"he had Tuberculosis?" asked Snape.

"Quite,** anyway, Timmy the Tiny orphan with a Tin leg and Tuberculosis decided he would work extra hard at the Tricycle factory so that the other orphans would stop laughing at him. So every morning Timmy would wake up extra early, despite his Terrible Tuberculosis, and would drag his Tiny form over to the Tricycle factory with his Tin leg. And there Timmy the Tenacious yet Tiny orphan would work from morning Till dusk****…****"**

"Do you even know what Tuberculosis is?"

"Shut up……..anyway…….. **Gradually the other orphans began to respect Tiny Tenacious Timmy with the Tin leg and****……****"**

"…..Tuberculosis"

"Shut up before I shut you up……..where was I?…………. **The other orphans decided that for working so hard Tiny Tenacious Timmy deserved a party. So they baked him a Tremendous cake and invited him back to the orphanage for lunch. Unfortunately to get back to the orphanage Tiny Tenacious Timmy with the Tin leg and the Tuberculosis had to cross a Terribly busy road. Because he was so Tiny and only had a Tin leg he couldn****'****t move very fast****………"**

"I imagine that the Terrible Tuberculosis didn't help either….."

"I'll give you Tuberculosis………**anyway, Tiny Timmy couldn****'****t move very fast and was killed by a Terrifyingly fast moving Truck and never got to eat his Tremendous cake. The End****"**

Draco had fallen silently. But this was mainly because he couldn't scream and suck on his father's hair at the same time.

"I will be truely be amazed", said Severus, "if that child doesn't end up in Azkaban before his 17th birthday. You just told him that hard work and dedication don't pay of".

"That and to **Look Twice Before you Cross**" said Lucius "and that **Life isn't Fair**, two very important life lessons".

"Timmy didn't die because he didn't look twice, he died because he was slow".

"Alright than, the moral was; **Do Not Cross Muggle Roads Slowly**".

"And your son's a wizard Lucius, how many muggle roads do you think he'll be crossing?"

"There was that incident the other week when I………"

"Yes but that was only because you managed to apperaite in the middle of a muggle highway. It's to be hoped your son will not be that stupid…… This on going fascination with muggle trucks, one would think you were traumatised …….".

"You'd be traumatised too if you had had one of those muggle monstrosities heading towards you like an uncontrolled speed demon of doom".

"That's another "T" word you should have added to your story, '**Traumatised Tiny Tenacious Timmy with the Tin leg and Tuberculoses**".

"Are you mocking my story".

"Yes".

"Really? Mr 'Alby the Racist Dragon' ".

"My story taught Draco a valuable and……."

"If you insist"

"Don't patronise me, it taught him a very valuable lesson about..."

"Dragons and burnt Albanian Children"

"Shut up"

"Quite"

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Thanks for reviewing. I know this one isn't as funny. I'm of two minds about posting this, kinda takes away from the first.


	3. Chapter 6

Warning; Teeth-achingly bad poetry ahead. The writer apologises for inflicting it upon you all.

Morals 3

Severus and Lucius staggered into the manor's second drawing room at around 3:00 am. Narcissa was curled up in a armchair with Draco cradled protectively in her arms. Lucius lent down and kissed them both on the forehead, accidentally waking Draco. Father and son stared at each other silently, faces inches apart, until Draco grabbed Lucius's hair possessively and stuck it in his mouth.

"Help" whispered Lucius at Severus.

One of Severus's eyebrows inched up his forehead, "disturb that demon mandrake of doom that you and Narcissa managed to spawn while its got its mouth fill? I think not".

Lucius twisted and tried to glare commandingly at Severus, something that he found difficult to pull of when his hair was being gently gummed and slobbered over. "Help", he hissed.

"What shampoo do you use Lucinda, to make the boys go wild?" asked Severus.

"So you actually know what shampoo is?"

"You try brewing 14 hrs a day and your lovely suck-able locks would be just as greasy as mine".

"Look Snape, its 3 am, you're the one who wanted to talk about your next assignment and my back is starting to hurt. Help me up or I will tie you down in the wine cellar and have the house elves introduce rats so they can feast on your immobilised body while I listen to your screams for mercy".

"Or I could just let that cannibalistic son of yours suck all of the nurturance out of your body through your hair and use your dry and mummified corpse to mentally scar children on Halloween".

"Or I could knock you out, cut you up, remove your spleen and consume it with a little red wine and pasta in front of your mutilated, but still conscious, body".

"Why is it always the spleen with you? The heart is more traditional".

"But spleen just roles of the tongue, spleeeeeeeeeeeen".

Draco made an odd giggling noise around Lucius's hair.

"Owwwwh, you like that do you?" crooned Lucius "spleen, spleeeeeeeen, spleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, Spleeny-Mc-Spleeny, Spleendid, Spleendour, Spleendacious-ness. Spleen-verus Spleen".

At this Narcissa woke up and stared at her husband, who shifted uncomfortably. "Where have you been?"

"On assignment, sorry we woke you darling, we just came in here to discuss the next one" explained Lucius quietly.

Narcissia nodded sleepily, "who's 'we' ?"

"Severus and I"

"Oh", Narcissa shifted and peered at Severus, whose pale face was just visible on the other side of the room. "If I had known he was going I wouldn't have worried, he always takes care of you".

Snape smirked and pushed himself of the wall, "I try".

"My neck hurts" complained Narcissa, stifling a un-ladylike yawn.

"That chair can't be too comfortable" said Lucius sympathetically.

"Do you mind taking Draco? I want to go to bed".

"Not at all, he seems very…..attached".

Narcissa frowned and handed Draco over, Lucius took Draco with his head bent at an odd angle to accommodate the sucking.

"I'm sure that can't be healthy, he's going to end up coughing out fur balls" she complained tiredly

"That's sure to make us the envy of all our friends and family, not every seven month old baby can cough up fur balls" said Lucius soothingly.

"It's a versatile talent that is sure to take him far in life" said Snape sincerely.

"It may even make him Minister of Magic some day" said Lucius wistfully.

Narcissa smiled sleepily at both of them and stumbled out of the room. Her carefully cultivated grace was to much effort to maintain at this hour of the morning.

"So?" said Lucius.

"So what?" said Severus.

"You wanted to talk about the assignment?" prompted Lucius, sitting down in Narcissa's abandoned chair.

Severus sighed and moved over to the couch. He sprawled across it and stuck his boots on the arm rest. "Can I stay here tonight?" he asked suddenly.

Lucius frowned and stopped trying to reclaim his hair. "Of course, you know your always welcome and I wouldn't let you to go home at this hour anyway".

"Doesn't Narcissa mind?"

"No, you supposedly 'take care' of me".

"That was just her being nice to the poor, bedraggled, greasy, badly breed, charity case".

"Your going to get all …..Snape-ish on me aren't you? Are you just fishing for complements or is there some reason behind this melancholy?"

Severus shifted and stared at him intently, making Lucius shift uncomfortably. Severus sighed and turned his gaze back up at the ceiling. "It doesn't matter".

Lucius shifted again and put his feet up on the coffee table. Draco was wide awake and was trying to pull off one of Lucius's ears, presumably so he could suck on it. "You know you're practically one of the family right?"

"Sure"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"How did it go with the Ministry woman?"

"You know I love you right? You're like a little brother".

Severus sighed in exasperation and kicked of his boats.

"Have I upset you somehow?"

"Just tell me about the Ministry woman".

Lucius detached Darco's little hands from his throbbing ear and tried to read Severus's face. He mentally sighed and decided that whatever was going on could wait till morning. "The Ministry woman… lets see… Dolores Umbridge, in her late 50s, loyal ministry employee for 30 years. Devoted to the minister, her work, and the sadistic vicarious thrills she can get while doing her job".

"Self-righteous sadists are always fun, what does she do?"

"Screens potential Deatheater families".

"This involves…….."

"Torture"

"Charming, I was under the impression I was meant to protect her".

"Of course, she's the Dark Lord's number one recruiter".

"I thought you said….."

"Oh……. she is totally loyal to the Ministry, she's an…….. unintentional recruiter".

"Hah"

"The Dark Lord wants you to make sure none of her victims or their families manage to get her, and for you to keep track of who the Ministry thinks are potential Deatheaters".

"So someone can turn them into real Deatheaters after they have experienced the joys of Ministerial…… customer service"

"Bright lad, be sure to act surprised when the Dark Lord tells you".

"Hah".

Draco shifted, Lucius rocked him backwards and forwards subconsciously and frowned at the figure on the couch. The silence stretched uncomfortably between them. Well if he wasn't going to talk about whatever _it_ was…….

"Would Draco like to hear a song?"

Draco did not respond.

"Would Draco like to hear a song about **Dolores Umbridge?**"

Again Draco failed to respond, but Lucius was undeterred.

"**Dolores Umbridge likes little kittens**

**Warm summer days and bright yellow mittens**

**Cold winter mornings that melt into spring**

**These are a few of her favourite things**

**Dark little cells and helpless little captives**

**Ministerial hypocrisy and ineffective enactments**

**Hard boiled defiance that melts into screams **

**These are a few of her favourite things**

**When the dog barks, when the bee stings**

**When someone fights the Man**

**Dolores simply remembers her favourite things**

**And then she don't feel so bad"**

Draco seemed deeply unimpressed by his father's poetic brilliance.

Lucius looked expectantly at the couch, waiting for Severus's derisive snort, instead he heard a gentle snore. He got up from the chair and moved over to the sleeping figure, silently summoning a blanket which he awkwardly tucked around Severus one handed. He frowned down at Severus and knelt down on his heels next to him. He than started searching through his pockets for that muggle vivid he had picked up a few weeks ago. Useful for scribbling moustaches on ministerial portraits while they were asleep, he had to entertain himself somehow.

Eventually he found it and held it up for Draco's inspection. Draco let go of his hair with a soft slurping noise and tried to reach for it, his father quickly gave him his wand instead, which Draco happily put in his mouth and started to suck. Lucius took the cap of the pen with his teeth and stared at Severus face in deep, zen like, contemplation…...

Snape blinked at the early morning sun and staggered out of the room and down the hall towards the bathroom, nearly tripping over a blanket that mysteriously got tangled up between his legs. Upon reaching the bathroom he caught sight of himself in the mirror……….

Lucius would later tell he screamed like a girl, Severus maintained it was a very manly squeal of indignation, Narcissa had just rolled her eyes and Draco had said a noise that sounded like "spleeeaggit". Which had had all three of them cooing "Spleen, spleen, spleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen" at Draco for the rest of the morning.

………..Anyway, the bellow that followed the manly squeal of indignation was very masculine sounding indeed.

"I DO NOT NEED A HUG!!!!"

_And they all lived not so happily ever-after._

_The End._

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So what's the moral of this story? That Lucius should not became a poet, obviously.

I re-read this on the 5/10/09, about two years after I wrote it. All I can say is, urrrrrgh...


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